3 Mindset Traps Keeping You From The Relationship You Want

Your mind is a beautiful thing, it got you where you are today. But it can also too easily get in the way of what you want most.

Your mind can send you circles, leading you down a rabbit hole of over-thinking, judgement, and playing safe, making successful dating nearly impossible.

After coaching hundreds of women around dating + relationships, I’ve boiled down the mindset traps into 3 big categories.

Mindset Trap 1: The all-or-nothing mindset, turning dating on

You can turn dating on and off like a faucet. You decide you’re “on,” so you log onto your dating app, browse lots of profiles, and schedule multiple dates. After a few weeks, none of the dates go well, leaving you drained + jaded.

When you’re “on,” dating feels hard, time consuming, and overwhelming. You’re also probably dating for the one, rather than for fun.

Even if you meet a great potential match when you’re “on,” you may not even realize it because you’re so exhausted.

After being “on,” you pull a 180 and turn dating “off.” No dating sites, you’re closed when you meet potential men in person, and you profess you’re gonna “work on yourself.”

To fill in the time you normally spend dating, you may indulge yourself with a good Netflix binge, focus on your career, or train for a marathon.

There is NOTHING wrong with any of that. But check yourself: are you “working on yourself” or are you numbing, hiding behind something, or filling a void?

The all or nothing mindset is exhausting, not sustainable, and doesn’t work. It’s an endless cycle between exhaustion + numbing.

Instead, you need a plan that meets your dating goals AND your personal needs. A really great way to take some intentional “me” time is to start a regular meditation practice. If you’ve never meditated, try this guided meditation.

Mindset Trap 2: Letting your beliefs become your reality

Limiting beliefs are beliefs you hold that are usually related to yourself + your identity. While they may be based on fact or your past experiences, generally, they are not true.

For example, when I talk with women about their struggles with dating or beliefs about why they’re single when they don’t want to be, this is what I hear:

– This city sucks for dating

– There are no good men

– I’ve tried all the dating sites

– At my age, there are only divorcees left

– Anyone still single at my age is a red flag in itself

– I have to focus on my career

– I intimidate men, I’m too successful/make too much money

– I have a hard time dating because I’m a minority

– I don’t have time to date {Yup! That one’s a biggie.}

Have you ever said any of those things?

Look, there may have been an instance {or a few} when you did intimidate a guy because of your successes + sure, every city is different.


None of the excuses above are absolutely true. The problem is, we act like they are absolutely true. Worse, when we do believe these excuses, they often become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

These are excuses to hide behind so you feel better about when dating isn’t working. It is so much easier to blame something or someone else than to take a deeper look inside.

But when you can drop these excuses + limiting beliefs, you dramatically open yourself up to meet the right person.

Mindset Trap 3: Believing you can figure it out alone

You’re smart, confident, got a great education, have advanced degrees, maybe even shattered a few glass ceilings on the way.

Life is moving along nicely, except you don’t have anyone to share it with.

A lot of your other friends are married or in committed relationships, and they did that without help. And you’re smart, so why would you need any?

This is where your mind gets in the way.

You’re independent, self-sufficient, and probably a bit stubborn. Asking for help would be admitting that you don’t know all the tools or what to do. It would be infringing on your independence + successes until now.

The truth is you don’t NEED any help, my help or anyone else’s. You could figure this out on your own. Plenty of people have. But here’s the irony:

Asking for help is vulnerable. And vulnerability come naturally to most people. (It doesn’t come naturally to me.)

It’s admitting that you don’t know something, you’re stuck, or simply that you know what to do, but need support staying on track.

If dating has been a struggle for you, take that first (and maybe scariest step), and reach out for help. Create a new dating perspective, hire a coach, or reach out to a friend. Just the realization that your mind can get in your way of what you truly want is an important first step.